Dirty Coffee Cups Aren't The Real Issue
- 6 days ago
- 2 min read
Over recent months, a couple of my coaching clients who had recently stopped working full time raised an issue that I reckon is very common, but isn’t talked about that much.
After many years of both partners in a marriage leading very busy lives and with children living at home, suddenly finding themselves spending large amounts of time at home alone with their partner was proving a challenge!
And both clients acknowledged that the feeling was mutual. Their wives were less than thrilled at having them around more. Their irritation with unwashed coffee cups had reached the red zone.
The truth of the matter is that by the time you have reached 60, the person you committed to spending the rest of your life with, many decades ago, will have changed into someone quite different. As have you.
You might have different expectations of what the years after reaching 60 should be about. You might want to go travelling the world, whereas your partner wants to devote their time to staying at home and helping with grandchildren. You might want to focus on your pet historical research project whilst your partner wants to make new friends and spend time socialising. And so on….
The fact is that within the marriage, you are making the transition to your next life stage at different speeds and with different views on what this next stage should be about.
So, a few thoughts on this:
Accept that this is a transition, not a problem to solve. The rules that worked when careers and children dominated family life may no longer work. That's normal.
Have the conversation before resentment builds. Don't wait until the coffee cups become the issue. They're rarely the real issue.
Talk about expectations. Ask each other: What do you want this next chapter of your life to look like? You may be surprised by the answers.
Recognise that spending every waking hour together isn't necessarily healthy. Maintaining separate interests, friendships and routines can strengthen a relationship rather than weaken it.
Protect each other's independence. Give one another permission to pursue different passions without feeling guilty or rejected.
Create some new rituals together. A weekly lunch, a shared walk, a monthly trip or learning something new together can help you build a relationship that reflects who you are now, not who you were 30 years ago.
Stay curious about the person your partner has become. After decades together it's easy to assume you know everything about them. You almost certainly don't.
Remember, it's not just about "What am I going to do next?" but "Who do we want to become together during the next twenty or thirty years?"
That's a conversation worth having long before the coffee cups become the problem.
